Figs.

I made a cake. It’s been a minute…
It was a gluten-free earl grey cake, with a honey cream cheese frosting, topped with figs.
I cried immediately after, and that’s an understatement. I actually lost my sh*t.

Kept thinking of how much you liked figs, and how we’d obsess over figs especially when mom was visiting, as if it was some new delicacy of a fruit. That time you and mom ate all the dried figs and didn’t save me any and I was so annoyed at you for it, so annoyed in fact, you guys went to the market again later that week and bought another bag for me.

Any time I’d bake something and post it on social media, you’d ask me to save you some… freeze it. And I wouldn’t, I was so focused on bringing as many as I could to work or for other people, because I kept thinking I had all the time to make you something. I should have. Every single time, there should have been no question or doubt, I should have froze one for you and I should have baked for you more often. You would always ask for Key lime pie or Lemon meringue. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time or that I didn’t get the chance, it was that I did not give you time.

All I want more than anything in this whole world is for just a f*cking minute. I’d give up absolutely anything and everything for a minute of your time.

Cake was surprisingly representative. It fell apart quickly.

Still, with what I’ve got,
c.

Looking for home.

Darlings,

Newly twenty-six, it seemed like a very appropriate time to put this into words. Many of you are aware that this last weekend was a big weekend. I made my first 3 tiered, roughly 75 serving cake! For perspective, it was equivalent to 9 dozen cupcakes! Alas, it was successful. There were obviously little details that only I saw, and know to learn from. None the less, a lovely wedding. Huge thank you to each and every one of you who had a hand in getting me through it all. My Mac & Dan rescue me yet again, another cake, another year.

Having said that, I want to make it very clear right now that I am not in business. Dramabakes is not taking on business or requests. I wasn’t clear before. I straddled this line of “kind of doing business, kind of on pause.” It won’t be forever, but until I give the word that I’m back, I am definitely out of business.  I appreciate and thank you all so much for being so interested and supportive of me and my passion and my baking, but to be completely transparent… I‘m stuck. As much as I don’t want to admit that publicly, I’m so very… stuck.

See, sometime in 2015, I went on a journey, took a little detour, and I ran into a few troubles. I’ve tried to fix it, but keep getting further from home. I’ve been allowing others to believe that I don’t need help. But instead, I hit this fog, and I’m in it. I’ve been lost in this fog for so long that I’m starting to become comfortable with it. Rather than looking for my way out of it to return, I’m kind of sitting there as if I’ve already been defeated.

In regards to my love, it’s not about business, money, or getting my name out there. I’ve said this time and time again, that I want to work on myself, and find myself. To which people keep telling me that ‘you’ll spend the rest of your life discovering who you are’, and I do believe that to an extent. But I also know that I lost parts of a woman I used to be a year ago, and I want her back. I feel a fading connection with my love, and I want that back as well. So, that means I am DONE with business and getting back to focusing on my relationship with my passion and myself.

Someone incredibly important and dear to me reminded me today that I have amazing abilities, and strong will. That I stand up for myself when I feel it’s warranted. I’ve lost positive light. I have an open and caring heart, and I used to dust myself off whenever an issue happened. I could realign. I was once in touch with flexing my muscles, picking myself up and trying. If they told me to believe in myself, I would try. 

A little bit of surprise came over me. That used to be a part of me, and I can’t find that same person. Instead, I’ve been pretending to be her. I’ve been more critical of my passion than ever before, I’ve lost so much will to fight these days, when something goes wrong, it’s like my world’s falling apart.

I had this unrealistic expectation that the fog would clear after the stresses of June were over, and in actuality, it didn’t fix anything. I was down, thinking I’d be up, but I’m down. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried. I’ve been trying, and trying but I’ve also been defeated, and giving up, and giving up.

I needed this eye opener. I’m not going to be defeated anymore. I’m not going to give up, I’m going to fight for that part of me again. I’m not going to try and fill voids, and pretend that everything is getting better. I’m going to admit and accept that I’m lost in a fog and I’m trying to find my way.

I’m coming home.

yours truly,
c.

We danced.

It was unexpected.

I was so positive on giving up for a while. I had my heart so set on needing this break, this absolutely desperate call for separation. The last couple weeks have been such a dreadful obligation. I’d not looked forward to our encounter for months now, thinking how much I was dreading the time we’d spend.

Something changed. We were in the kitchen, and I had no desire for the pairing. But for a moment, we danced to “A kiss to build a dream on”, and I smiled. Remembering what it felt like to fall deeply in love. It lasted for such a short moment, while I was lost in the song.

My heart felt full. I had felt a joy that I’ve struggled so hard to reach again.

It’s been such a long while, my passion.
The dance was lovely.

yours truly,
c.

Semi.

Needless to say, feelings are such a complex and tricky thing.

It’s as simple or complicated as someone disappearing for six months of your life, and suddenly they’re back in it. It’s as simple or complicated as one word, one text, one call, one email, one encounter.

What do you do when a simple thing happens, and it sends your world spinning? What do you do when someone you expected to never hear from is suddenly semi-part of your life again? You’re playing it cool, pretending that you don’t care if they disappear again at any moment, but deep down you’re panicking. Wondering when and if that person is going to leave. Hoping and begging that they don’t. You’re terrified…

Since when do we so easily allow another to cause chaos in our hearts? 

Yet, the question remains, what do you do? Expect the expected? Because even when you set the worst expectation, you will be destroyed when something goes wrong again. It’s inevitable, no matter how much you tell yourself you don’t give two sh*ts, or however many times you tell yourself “they’re going to disappear like they do, I know it.” In your fibers, you know you are praying to some sort of god, whether you believe in one or not, that this person stays in your life, that they prove they were “sorry” and that you can trust them.

You’re not even mad, or upset with this person for what they did. You secretly were more excited that they were even sorry at all, that they even said anything to you. Your heart started pumping faster, and your palms got all cold and sweaty like they used to.

I’d slap you across your foolish f*cking face and say
“sure, whatever… you do that, you keep on playing it ‘cool’, babe…”

yours truly,
c.