It’s said that we fall in love with 3 types of people in our lifetime. Who really knows how true it is, each person is different, some will stay in the first, some in the second, and some (many) will have their 3 loves. I have to say, I’ve met two of them so far. These are my open letters to my 3 loves.
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE
September 6th, 2014
Today him and I officially gave the news to our family, which we had been putting off for what we thought was a “better moment”, considering there’s never a right time to give this type of news. Some took it well, and other’s not as well… I know there’s a lot of
confusion and questions that people have, and I really can’t give all the answers.
The other night I read an article on the Huffington Post called “An Open Letter To My Now Ex-Wife”. It was almost spot on to one of the biggest changes and hardest moments in my life. Which hasn’t been
broadcast, but is really no longer a quiet topic. I wanted to do a re-write of this article…
***An Open Letter To My Now Ex-Boyfriend***
On August 7th, 2014 — It was the end of a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend.
It was absolutely the most surreal experience of my life. We had talked about ‘if this were to happen’ many times throughout our relationship because we knew that sometimes unexpected things happen, and that we wanted to make sure we were okay with it. We weren’t your average couple and no one wants to go through a
bitter breakup. I didn’t actually believe that it wouldhappen. We talked about it for a very long time, even made light of the situation while processing the decision. We were very close to getting engaged in October which would have been our 10 year anniversary . We will in some way always be a part of each others lives. You are completely different people when you go from 14 in a small town to 24 in a big city. I believe that this age is too young to be married and starting a family, as I saw that life ahead of me, I knew I needed to do this. It was the fear that held me back for months. I feared life without him. All I’ve known for the past 10 years is HIM. Living, laughing, crying, feeling. I’ve never been more afraid of life by myself.
- I can’t begin to say what you deserve for putting up with me
You were what made us work. The changes and the person I’ve become was all due to you. I wouldn’t change any of that. I feel that I owe you so much in this life because you have given me everything I really ever wanted in and from someone. I’m a complete pain in the ass. I’m loud and obnoxious, I pick fights for no reason, I make all situations overly complex, but you always supported me, loved me, took care of me, and did your very best to make me happy and I AM and was. “Your stupid face makes me laugh” (our joke).
- This was the right decision, right now
The future is unpredictable, but you know better than anyone that there’s possibility for anything. I don’t know where we’ll be in 5 or 10 years, all I know is that we’ll still be by each other supporting whatever it is either of us is doing. But in this moment in our lives, I know this decision is right, right now. Neither of us wanted to end up married, with children and going through a divorce.
- You are my best friend and I want you to be happy
One thing that I know won’t change is our friendship. You are my best friend, you know me better than anyone, better than I even know myself. I’m so fortunate and happy that we can remain this way. I truly want happiness for you, and if/when you find another love, I’ll be right there supporting you and happy for you.
- I will never stop loving you; I would do it all over again
From beginning to end, I won’t ever stop loving you. I could try to tell myself that it would be for the better to learn to hate you or remove you from my life, but you are the best person that I know. Selfless, genuine, considerate. You do all that you can for everyone else. If I had known 10 years ago that this is how we’d end, I’d gladly do it ALL over again. We’ve had countless moments that I cherish and I still hope to make many more.
- I’ll always be here to help you with anything that you need
This true coming from both of us. I know that you’re really waiting on me to call the next step , that I’m taking this harder emotionally and that I’m so emotionally sensitive that I often lose my cool. So I know that whatever I need, you’re still always going to lend a hand and help me out. As I will do for you.
The emotions, the feelings, the difficult parts of a
breakup are all so real. I saw my life very differentlyback then, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have that older vision. But my vision right now, see’s us going through this. Not everyone can understand it, and that’s okay. Because this is about us, not our friends, family, or anyone we associate with. It’s about me and him and we are doing exactly what we need to be doing.
hardest part is that feeling in my gut that wants to hold you, hug you close, cuddle, kiss you, and do all the same things that we always did and that were such a habit… I have to stop myself every single day from crossing that boundary of being “just friends”, it makes my heart ache and brings tears to my eyes…
I love you, but I am not in love with you,
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SECOND LOVE
December 3rd, 2018
On October 13th, 2018 — It was the end of a 4 year, on and off, long distance “semi” relationship… better known as, my second love.
It was a heart dropping feeling, like impulse crying I couldn’t control. We were something I barely talked about because no one else would understand it, no one else really did understand it. Most people probably had no idea. But for 4 years I was in love with an intoxicating human who had many faults and baggage. I constantly felt the need to overlook them because he was “worth it.” The highs were incredible highs and the lows have always been wrenching at my heart, the worst of the worst lows. We did the lies, the deceit, the hiding. And never getting the love I knew I needed. This is the one I wanted so desperately to work out.
It never mattered how bad it was for me. It didn’t matter the amount of wrong we might do to one another. I was determined to fight for this. He has been my drug, and one I knew I only need a little taste to completely relapse.
“Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.”
- I can’t begin to say what you deserve for putting up with me.
We went through a lot of sh*t. I’ll admit there were many times I was selfish and childish. I had to have things my way and I would pick fights with you for no reason at all. There were points where we were just arguing every single day, and I think you really started not to like me. But you stood by me. You would make the time to talk to me. You were my punching bag at times, and I’m not proud of that, but you took it. I am a pain in the a*s, always have been, always would and will be.
- This was the absolute right decision, right now.
There were mistakes made and a confusing amount of gray areas for us. So many factors contributed to how things ended, but I have to say, my brain knows this was right for us. My heart does not. It felt wrong, and deep down I wished so badly it could have been different. I wanted you to change your mind and I wanted to change how everything went down, but I faced my mistake, made it, accepted it, and confessed it. I may not believe your choice was fair for us because we had really done this to each other, but in actuality it was right for us, right now.
- You were my favorite person, and I want you to be happy.
From the moment I “met” you, the number one thing I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I believe you deserve it, and so do I. We made each other happy for parts of us, but there’s someone else out there who’s going to make you happy for all of the both of you. You became my everything, that person who knew every tiny little detail about my life. You challenged me and knew me better than I know myself much of the time. You pushed just enough and took more than you could. You made me laugh every day, and were my shoulder when I cried. All the personality flaws and physical flaws I saw in myself, you adored them. I would do this all over again, if I had the choice, because you were a wonderful person when I needed wonderful. You were comfort when I needed comfortable. You were darling, when I needed darling.
- I’ll always cherish what was, and if there’s a time you’re in need, I hope to be there for you.
It’s easy to say I’ll always be there for you, for anything you ever need. The reality is, if you walked back into my life, I don’t think I’d be able to say no or turn you away. But I don’t think you will, and I refuse to be back on this road, journey, or whatever it is with you… just that, I refuse to be with you. You held my hand in my toughest of times, and when I think back on some of my hardest moments, you were there. And I would love to do the same for you, if it came down to it.
I will cherish what we were, you’ll have that special place, because as I have been telling us for years that you and I were something really special, whether it meant we were friends, or more. We were something so very special in a unique and unconventional way. I believed it. I was right, because you did become a very important part of my life.
Lastly, I have to say, thank you darling. Thank you for all of those magical highs and hopes. Thank you for the time, effort, and thoughts put into me. Thank you for trying, and for any feelings you did have for me. I don’t think I’ll ever know if you loved me back, but one thing will always remain, you’ll always be my second love, and if it had to be anyone, I got damn lucky it was you.
Painfully having loved you,
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY THIRD LOVE