Breakups, they never stop hurting.

“How cruel for someone to enter your life to awaken you for love and then gradually knocks you out with demonstrations of indifference and detachment.” – unknown

See, someone had woken me for love, over this past eight months. But it was his demonstrations of distance, silence, and unknown that knocked me out. While he may not have forced me to feel the ways I did, his actions created insecurities in me, from past relationships. This is a flaw, that I recognize, and I have owned my mistakes. In a reaction, I have said awful things that I may not have meant, but felt.

Here’s the thing though. I am still, and have not changed from being kind, sweet, thoughtful, caring, deep, passionate, weird, open, and with so much love in my heart to give. I never lied or cheated, and I was still authentically and genuinely myself. I know who I am, and I desired time, and care.

Sometimes, what hurts the most is not being given a REAL chance… a shot at something. Especially when you knew that there was something really special and pure, that it could have been really good. Knowing you’re damaged goods, from past experiences, they hold you back and make you act irrationally because it’s just how people can be… it’s how I can be.

All that being said, I was vulnerable, and in need of a person who I thought cared about me. I didn’t deserve to be gaslit, led on, ignored, or abandoned.

There was a perfectly gorgeous storm brewing overhead this last couple weeks. There’s a list that has no business being listed anymore, it’s lost importance. But this storm tore me apart, mentally and physically, in the worst of ways. I wasn’t myself. I felt out of control, I couldn’t grasp onto anything.

Time and time again, I’ve heard these really beautiful sentences and words put together, but he never listened to me. And he would constantly tell me what I wanted to hear and never follow through or show up. What kind of person does that?

When you begin to heal, and you aren’t ill anymore, your body and mind balances out. We find and see clarity in things, and it helps us make the right choices. Mine was letting go of an ugly pattern that just made me feel worn down.

With love,
C.

Open letters to my 3 loves…

It’s said that we fall in love with 3 types of people in our lifetime. Who really knows how true it is, each person is different, some will stay in the first, some in the second, and some (many) will have their 3 loves. I have to say, I’ve met two of them so far. These are my open letters to my 3 loves.

♡

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE
September 6th, 2014

Today him and I officially gave the news to our family, which we had been putting off for what we thought was a “better moment”, considering there’s never a right time to give this type of news. Some took it well, and other’s not as well… I know there’s a lot of confusion and questions that people have, and I really can’t give all the answers.

The other night I read an article on the Huffington Post called “An Open Letter To My Now Ex-Wife”. It was almost spot on to one of the biggest changes and hardest moments in my life. Which hasn’t been broadcast, but is really no longer a quiet topic. I wanted to do a re-write of this article…

***An Open Letter To My Now Ex-Boyfriend***

On August 7th, 2014 — It was the end of a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend.

It was absolutely the most surreal experience of my life. We had talked about ‘if this were to happen’ many times throughout our relationship because we knew that sometimes unexpected things happen, and that we wanted to make sure we were okay with it. We weren’t your average couple and no one wants to go through a bitter breakup. I didn’t actually believe that it wouldhappen. We talked about it for a very long time, even made light of the situation while processing the decision. We were very close to getting engaged in October which would have been our 10 year anniversary . We will in some way always be a part of each others lives. You are completely different people when you go from 14 in a small town to 24 in a big city. I believe that this age is too young to be married and starting a family, as I saw that life ahead of me, I knew I needed to do this. It was the fear that held me back for months. I feared life without him. All I’ve known for the past 10 years is HIM. Living, laughing, crying, feeling. I’ve never been more afraid of life by myself.

• I can’t begin to say what you deserve for putting up with me

You were what made us work. The changes and the person I’ve become was all due to you. I wouldn’t change any of that. I feel that I owe you so much in this life because you have given me everything I really ever wanted in and from someone. I’m a complete pain in the ass. I’m loud and obnoxious, I pick fights for no reason, I make all situations overly complex, but you always supported me, loved me, took care of me, and did your very best to make me happy and I AM and was. “Your stupid face makes me laugh” (our joke).

• This was the right decision, right now

The future is unpredictable, but you know better than anyone that there’s possibility for anything. I don’t know where we’ll be in 5 or 10 years, all I know is that we’ll still be by each other supporting whatever it is either of us is doing. But in this moment in our lives, I know this decision is right, right now.  Neither of us wanted to end up married, with children and going through a divorce.

• You are my best friend and I want you to be happy

One thing that I know won’t change is our friendship. You are my best friend, you know me better than anyone, better than I even know myself. I’m so fortunate and happy that we can remain this way. I truly want happiness for you, and if/when you find another love, I’ll be right there supporting you and happy for you.

• I will never stop loving you; I would do it all over again

From beginning to end, I won’t ever stop loving you. I could try to tell myself that it would be for the better to learn to hate you or remove you from my life, but you are the best person that I know. Selfless, genuine, considerate. You do all that you can for everyone else. If I had known 10 years ago that this is how we’d end, I’d gladly do it ALL over again. We’ve had countless moments that I cherish and I still hope to make many more.

• I’ll always be here to help you with anything that you need

This true coming from both of us. I know that you’re really waiting on me to call the next step , that I’m taking this harder emotionally and that I’m so emotionally sensitive that I often lose my cool. So I know that whatever I need, you’re still always going to lend a hand and help me out. As I will do for you.

The emotions, the feelings, the difficult parts of a breakup are all so real. I saw my life very differentlyback then, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have that older vision. But my vision right now, see’s us going through this. Not everyone can understand it, and that’s okay. Because this is about us, not our friends, family, or anyone we associate with. It’s about me and him and we are doing exactly what we need to be doing.

The hardest part is that feeling in my gut that wants to hold you, hug you close, cuddle, kiss you, and do all the same things that we always did and that were such a habit… I have to stop myself every single day from crossing that boundary of being “just friends”, it makes my heart ache and brings tears to my eyes…

I love you, but I am not in love with you,
C.

♡♡

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SECOND LOVE
December 3rd, 2018

On October 13th, 2018 — It was the end of a 4 year, on and off, long distance “semi” relationship… better known as, my second love.

It was a heart dropping feeling, like impulse crying I couldn’t control. We were something I barely talked about because no one else would understand it, no one else really did understand it. Most people probably had no idea. But for 4 years I was in love with an intoxicating human who had many faults and baggage. I constantly felt the need to overlook them because he was “worth it.” The highs were incredible highs and the lows have always been wrenching at my heart, the worst of the worst lows. We did the lies, the deceit, the hiding. And never getting the love I knew I needed. This is the one I wanted so desperately to work out.

It never mattered how bad it was for me. It didn’t matter the amount of wrong we might do to one another. I was determined to fight for this. He has been my drug, and one I knew I only need a little taste to completely relapse.

“Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.” 

•  I can’t begin to say what you deserve for putting up with me.

We went through a lot of sh*t. I’ll admit there were many times I was selfish and childish. I had to have things my way and I would pick fights with you for no reason at all. There were points where we were just arguing every single day, and I think you really started not to like me. But you stood by me. You would make the time to talk to me. You were my punching bag at times, and I’m not proud of that, but you took it.  I am a pain in the a*s, always have been, always would and will be.

• This was the absolute right decision, right now.

There were mistakes made and a confusing amount of gray areas for us. So many factors contributed to how things ended, but I have to say, my brain knows this was right for us. My heart does not. It felt wrong, and deep down I wished so badly it could have been different. I wanted you to change your mind and I wanted to change how everything went down, but I faced my mistake, made it, accepted it, and confessed it. I may not believe your choice was fair for us because we had really done this to each other, but in actuality it was right for us, right now.

• You were my favorite person, and I want you to be happy.

From the moment I “met” you, the number one thing I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I believe you deserve it, and so do I. We made each other happy for parts of us, but there’s someone else out there who’s going to make you happy for all of the both of you. You became my everything, that person who knew every tiny little detail about my life. You challenged me and knew me better than I know myself much of the time. You pushed just enough and took more than you could. You made me laugh every day, and were my shoulder when I cried. All the personality flaws and physical flaws I saw in myself, you adored them. I would do this all over again, if I had the choice, because you were a wonderful person when I needed wonderful. You were comfort when I needed comfortable. You were darling, when I needed darling. 

• I’ll always cherish what was, and if there’s a time you’re in need, I hope to be there for you.

It’s easy to say I’ll always be there for you, for anything you ever need. The reality is, if you walked back into my life, I don’t think I’d be able to say no or turn you away. But I don’t think you will, and I refuse to be back on this road, journey, or whatever it is with you… just that, I refuse to be with you. You held my hand in my toughest of times, and when I think back on some of my hardest moments, you were there. And I would love to do the same for you, if it came down to it.

I will cherish what we were, you’ll have that special place, because as I have been telling us for years that you and I were something really special, whether it meant we were friends, or more. We were something so very special in a unique and unconventional way. I believed it. I was right, because you did become a very important part of my life.

Lastly, I have to say, thank you darling. Thank you for all of those magical highs and hopes. Thank you for the time, effort, and thoughts put into me. Thank you for trying, and for any feelings you did have for me. I don’t think I’ll ever know if you loved me back, but one thing will always remain, you’ll always be my second love, and if it had to be anyone, I got damn lucky it was you.

Painfully having loved you,
xo, sweetness.

♡♡♡

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY THIRD LOVE
Date

Love is a losing game.

Love is a powerful force in the universe. Love is not enough. Love has the ability to set you free. 

We’re all dealt unknown hands in our lives. It’s how we approach and choose to play the game that get’s us through what we’re holding onto. I have already experienced the worst thing that could ever happen in my life. Loss. The death of a loved one. And going through that has proved that I can face anything. I can endeavor and survive absolutely anything that comes my way. I hold onto this, especially as I allow myself to become vulnerable.

I am constantly learning every single day. About life, about myself. Ignorance is truly bliss. Because even when you feel it in your fibers, and your gut knows something isn’t right, you’ll choose to ignore it just to feel that “high” you’re on. You choose to believe in the best, the good, the thing that brings you the most joy especially when you’ve experienced little of it. And then the bad thing happens, and you think “I knew better.” 

I’ve always been a lover, I’ve always believed in love. Even in the times where I doubted it. Wondered if the kind of love I dreamt of existed. I recently experienced something magical, something I held onto deeply, and it filled my heart like nothing before. And I did sense a moment where things changed, where I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I ignored it, because I wanted to feel this bliss and because I knew there was so much beauty in what I had.

I don’t believe in “loving someone enough to let them go.” I just don’t. I think that’s justification for a person, so they can feel better about it. So they can tell themselves that they “cared.” I don’t doubt the love and affection given to me, I saw and felt it through actions. I also don’t think someone is awful or selfish for choosing to let go of something they no longer want or feel for. I encourage it. We’re all deserving of love and what we want in life, and shouldn’t settle. But I do believe in loving someone enough to FIGHT for them until you’re left with no choice but to let go. And maybe that’s naive, but I’ll hold onto it. That is how I love. I wouldn’t change that, don’t think I could change it if I wanted to. I’ve never been much of a fighter, but I’ll fight for love, without a doubt or hesitation.

Love is a losing game. From the moment you’re born, to the day you die. From your first love as a teenager, your best friend from childhood that you lost touch with in your twenties, to a marriage that ends in divorce, and more, and so much more. Love exists indefinitely, and loss is at every corner. 

Love may not be the most powerful force in the universe. It may not be enough. I promise, love is worth it, and it does in fact, have the ability to set you free.

xo,
c.

Heavy.

Your urn was as heavy as your chest felt when I placed my hand on your corpse lying in the casket. It was such a clear feeling I couldn’t forget. Tears were unstoppable. It was the first time I’d been with your entirety since. My heart twisted, and churned. It was like you were there, but in this bronze and gold, metal urn. I held you in my arms, cradled you, as if I were holding a newborn. Emotions of anger, sadness, and missing you swept over me.

The idea of keeping your urn in a home never appealed to me. Even when I’d had just a little of your ashes that I spread at Deception pass, it seemed so strange to keep those at home. But when I held your urn, it was different. I had felt a peacefulness in having you there. Somehow, it was the most bittersweet feeling; conflicting.

I made attempts to go through some of your things in the garage, just to feel surrounded by you. It was defeating, to say the least, but I found many childhood photos. I didn’t realize it, but I think you were my best friend growing up. Every photo, you were always by my side. Even when the photo was clearly meant to be me and someone else, you were there sneaking into the frame. When I was teenager, we fought constantly. I disliked you so much for all the trouble you’d get into. And then as adults, we’d barely begun. We grew up and I didn’t get enough life with you…

It’s only now, that I’m aware of how misunderstood you were. One of your dear friends once told me these exact words “He was misunderstood, but I understood him. And I will help you understand him too.” That weighs heavy on me. And maybe that’s why I so distinctively remember the heaviness.

I still bargain every now and again. Ten years of my life, for one more of yours. Any of my five senses for just another day with you, hell, take all my senses. A limb, for five minutes. Whatever variation is enough to give me a minute of your time. One hug. One time to say “I love you, thank you for being the best brother and unknowingly my best friend.”

While I’ve healed in some ways, and have found positivity where I can. I’ve lost myself in others. I’m fighting to find balance. Some look up and ask their deity for “strength.” While I still question my beliefs, I look up and ask you for strength, because I believe in YOU. That I have had no doubts in.

With strength,
c.

Two years later.

One year ago, I posted a blog about my first year being out of a long term relationship of almost 10 years. I’d explained the top three things I’d learned in 2015, and I thought I’d take this moment to do the same, except the top three things I’ve learned in addition this year.

First of all, the last three things from last year are still truer than ever. Love yourself, f*cking live, and accept the things you cannot control. The lessons I learn each year are to continue learning from and building from. They’re reminders. I can say I didn’t follow those as much as I’d hoped this year. I didn’t love myself enough, I didn’t live as fulfilled as I should have, and I sure as hell didn’t want to accept the things out of my control.

When my 10 year relationship ended, I have to admit I believed it was the worst thing. At the time, it was. It was the hardest thing I’d ever have to accept, admit, and follow through with. Like a lot of long-term relationships, I had my entire future planned out ahead of me with this person, and I’d never seen it any other way. It was scary as hell to leave the most comfortable and familiar thing in my life. It was scary to let go of something I LOVED. Fear and stepping out of comfort zones gets the best of us. Little did I know, this year, I’d face the absolute worst thing in my entire world. I’d face the most heart wrenching experience I’d ever have to go through.

I’d never known pain, fear, discomfort, sadness, heartache, loneliness until my brother passed away… actually passed away. It still stings saying that because it’s hard to believe on some days. I’ve grown bitter toward those whose “hardest thing” they’ve ever had to go through is less than a death, and it’s because I’m irrational most of the time, so forgive me. Grief is real, and anger is real. I can acknowledge others around me going through what they think is a tough time, but in my eyes, nothing can even compare to death, as prepared as you think you might be, this is the worst thing.

Somehow, the worst time in my life has cleared my head to see parts of myself I used to be, and parts of myself that I want to be again. It’s reminded me of how beautiful life really can be despite the death that is a part of it. Every single one of us struggles. But instead of sulking in “the worst thing in our lives”, can you take a minute to seriously look at what’s around you and what you have?

I promised you my top three lessons of 2016:

1. Practice patience. You know we spend so much time getting frustrated about the things you can’t change. Like the massive line at the Walgreens, and you’re on the verge of missing your bus, so you’re angry at the cashiers. Do you need to be? Miss your bus, there will be another one. That person you work with who you think sent you a rude email… probably not. Stuck in traffic, and screaming at other cars or honking your horn, oh totally because that’s getting you to your destination faster. Be patient with strangers and every person you encounter. You don’t know their life, and they don’t know yours. You’d be surprised, patience can go a long way.
2. Be kind, and truly, whole-heartedly kind. I’ve wondered sometimes if being too nice is worth it. You know how good guys claim that the good guys never win? Well I think that’s false. Being kind to others isn’t meant to get anything in return, it’s about doing something good because it makes you feel good. What do you want to remember in 20 years, that you were a f*cking d*ckhead to the guy on the bus, over what? Or that you stood up to let someone elderly sit down, or that you shared baked goods with a stranger, or bought a homeless person a hot sandwhich on a cold day? Do random acts of goodness.
3. Find the positives. Life man… it sucks total a*s sometimes. People can be ripped away from you suddenly and you’re left trying to figure out how to put the pieces together, but seriously. I can bet you’ve got a lot going for you. There’s a positive in every single day, you can find it. Whether it’s the latte you had, the orchids someone bought for you, the best friend in your life, a job, family. Those are all the positives you have to appreciate. Have your bad days, that’s okay. But I challenge you, find a positive in every single day of your life. Especially on the bad days, find the positives. They’ll make you smile, and it’ll make your heart happy.

Obviously, never stop loving and telling others you love them. Your brother might annoy you for no reason at all, but don’t forget to hug him and tell him you love him until the next time that you see him… you’ll wish you had.

Learning to love,
c.

Apologies.

The last four months of our lives have been unfair. We’ve experienced what dramatically feels like the absolute, most horrendous and unrealistic feeling in the entire universe. It may as well be equivalent to death. Families and friends have had their worlds attacked suddenly. Like we went to war with ourselves and inevitably lost. Individuals we loved so dearly were ripped from our hearts and our arms. They were stolen…

No one in their sanity would have willingly given them up. And yet the lives given and lived were so quickly lost to a simple unknown. Not knowing how much is too much. Not knowing what our body is actually consuming or intaking. Not knowing our right mind from the wrong one, and allowing temptation and addiction to overpower us. Not knowing the next hour our heart would flatline silently, and our brains departed from destination. Not knowing tomorrow, in reality would not arrive. Not knowing all of what would be our ‘lasts.’ The memorable unknown true impact they’d leave on us. 

For every person who doesn’t understand. For all the trigger words and language you all use. For the bastards who sell and distribute. For the jokes and the giant social gatherings that cause me undoubted anxiety before it even begins. For the damn sleep medicine I’ve learned to rely on. For being told what I need or what I should do. For attempting to let my guard down and ask for what I need. For being told how to act or treat others. For being a f*cking sponge! For ‘mothering’ and putting all my problems aside for everyone else. For doing what I think I need. For the “pretend” happiness and appearance of doing well. For all of the common “I’m sorry for your loss.” and the “Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.” And for the “They live on in your heart and memories.” For every frustrating, wise and cliche word muttered from your mouths. Thank you, truly, for now and in the future.

Because it is all of these little things that have made me realize I don’t have to be sorry for my behavior. I don’t have to be sorry for my decisions made irrationally, because irrational has boarded up, locked, and welded the door shut from rational ever making an appearance.

Sadly,
c.

Thankful.

It was the first Thanksgiving I’d ever spent on my own. The alone part isn’t what was phasing or a surprise. I’ve spent Holidays by myself before and I’m generally okay with doing things by myself and being alone. It was more that he wasn’t around this year… that was the tough part. Honestly, as the week before Thanksgiving approached, I felt myself in a downward. I was rather dreading the holiday coming up. The days before were even more difficult. I’ve been mentally drained. In a way I felt like I was doing alright, and getting a handle on things before I left the city for a week. And when I came back, somehow I had to relive it, or redo everything all over again. I couldn’t run away from my problems or facing the reality of my life. It’s like I had barely begun my grieving. There’s no good time for a person to grieve, but with the holiday’s around the corner, I can say it doesn’t make it easier.

The last time mom was visiting Seattle, Sunnie was so set on taking a trip to Deception pass. Sunnie knew beauty, and he felt happy and at peace in beautiful places, the beach/the water was one of them. I admit, I wish I had just agreed to go, now I wish I would have went with him to Deception. So on Thanksgiving, I took a tiny bit of his ashes I had and drove up there. It was pouring rain, and there were 4 accidents on my way. I kept wondering “Is this a sign that I shouldn’t be going up there?” With a gut feeling saying maybe it wasn’t a good idea. We talked in the car. I said “If this is your way of telling me not to go… well I’m going.” Because this was a coincidence in my eyes. There’s all this buzz about signs, spirits, and energy and I have to be real, I want to believe in that, but I don’t think, or know if I do. I chatted with you in the car, asking if you were around. Asking if you believed in it too. Telling you how I wanted to be thankful, but I was struggling to find thanks, because you weren’t here with me.

But I am thankful for having had you in my life and as my brother. I am thankful for my incredible friends, who I call family. The ones I consider my sisters, and brothers. The lovely ladies who approached me at your viewing and I instantly latched onto, you gave me new sisters. For my parents, who gave me everything. I am thankful for this unpredictably  beautiful, awful, crazy, fun, loving, wonderful, indescribable life I have. I have so much to be thankful for, but I am not only thankful for these people and things on this day. I am thankful every single day. It doesn’t take a federal holiday to remind me of that. 

Thanksgiving was a tough day for me this year. I was mildly more irresponsible than I normally am, and had a few “oh f*ck” moments where I panicked a bit inside, but I had a shot of gin with you on the shore. I wrote a very quick and short note, stuck it in the sand and we just talked for a bit. Told you how mad I am at you, but how much I love you and hope that you knew it. Told you how I wasn’t sure how to do this, how to live without you, how to grieve, how to move on, or even what to do with my life. My future, my anything, my everything. I’m confused, and I’m lost. You’ve left me alone, you left me to test relationships, and you’re pushing me in the worst way, and yes, I can acknowledge that there’s probably some lesson somewhere down the line… I just don’t believe in myself enough. It’s like, I’m waiting for the aching and the broken heart to somehow give something back, I’m thinking and begging and hoping that I can bargain. Because that’s a stage of grief, yeah? I’m bargaining. I’d GIVE anything.

The replays in my head, they keep me up. That’s the worst… memory everything. I’ve never wished to take back anything in my life, or change anything because I am who I am for all of those experiences, but that one. That ONE thing. You. The loss of you, that is the absolute one thing I’d change in my life. I’d trade, I’d give, I’d keep you a thousand times, no matter how that would change my life. I’d change it in a heartbeat, I’d give, and I’d give, and I’d keep giving, for anything more with you.

You can’t possibly understand how devastated I still am. How shocked my soul is, how absolutely torn apart I am, in every single way… I feel more alone right now, in this moment, than I have ever felt before… and who’s there?

I miss your smile, and contagious laugh.

Missing you more than words,
c.

Counting days.

I started counting the days. 

I don’t know if it’s really been helping, so much as making me feel like I don’t make progress in grieving the loss of him. The first while, I was so numb. I was drinking at weird times of the day, sleeping like a*s, binge eating, and sometimes not at all. I could more easily count the single good day I’d have.

If you know me at all, I’m a ‘timeline’ person. I like answers and I like to see where I am supposed to be at a certain point so I can know if I’m meeting that goal. As everyone kept telling me “it takes time, and it’s different for everyone.” it was pissing me off more than helping me realize I am exactly where I need to be. I needed to hear a timeline. In my head I could trick myself into believing it.

From counting the 1 good day, to counting 4 good days, and 1 bad one. To 9 good days and 4 bad ones. Back to 7 good days, and 1 bad one. This to me didn’t look like progress. It felt like 9 good days followed by 4 bad ones was canceling one another out. Some tell me it is progress and to think of the good days. And maybe 9 days was one too many, that this is how it goes, it’s a complete up and down, it is normal. Focus less on the bad days, more on the good.

I’ve been counting days. 

The other day, I felt the pull. Like a bad spirit that takes over, it’s like a parasite in my head. Things go from light to dark, it’s gloomy and I literally feel it consuming me. I am fine one minute, and the next I’m fighting myself. Truly, my brain, my thoughts. There’s a war in my head. It’s taking every bit of me to fight the fight. I’ve tried different tactics, and ways to balance it, but it ends the same. This is something I want people to understand and want them to hear. 

I had a trigger one night. Had to take care of some more things involving him, and I started to cry. I thought “Well, here’s the breaking point again, let’s go home and get hysterical.” I went home, and this one time, I didn’t. I patiently waited for comfort to text me back, and yes I cried, but I fought that f*cking pull the only way I knew how: sleep and breathing.

I have been acting like I’m drowning, and I’ve been waiting for someone to save me. I’ve been reaching and calling and it’s like I keep sinking and there’s no one there who can pull me out. The thing I saw, the thing I noticed is that I’ve been floating just fine… It’s the panic inside me that makes me believe no one will make it to me before I drown.  It’s not to say I don’t need someone there, on the sidelines talking me through it. On occasion holding my hand to reassure me that I’m okay. But I’ve come to see that, at some point, I will be able to let go. I’ll be able to pull myself out of the water, the darkness, the sinking, I’ll be able to do it on my own, but it’ll take a little extra work.

I stopped counting days.

With what strength is left,
c.

Figs.

I made a cake. It’s been a minute…
It was a gluten-free earl grey cake, with a honey cream cheese frosting, topped with figs.
I cried immediately after, and that’s an understatement. I actually lost my sh*t.

Kept thinking of how much you liked figs, and how we’d obsess over figs especially when mom was visiting, as if it was some new delicacy of a fruit. That time you and mom ate all the dried figs and didn’t save me any and I was so annoyed at you for it, so annoyed in fact, you guys went to the market again later that week and bought another bag for me.

Any time I’d bake something and post it on social media, you’d ask me to save you some… freeze it. And I wouldn’t, I was so focused on bringing as many as I could to work or for other people, because I kept thinking I had all the time to make you something. I should have. Every single time, there should have been no question or doubt, I should have froze one for you and I should have baked for you more often. You would always ask for Key lime pie or Lemon meringue. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time or that I didn’t get the chance, it was that I did not give you time.

All I want more than anything in this whole world is for just a f*cking minute. I’d give up absolutely anything and everything for a minute of your time.

Cake was surprisingly representative. It fell apart quickly.

Still, with what I’ve got,
c.

They say time.

“Peoples grief is not rational, and not the same.” – S.C.

I remember that day… Mom was in town visiting, it was a gorgeous sunny Seattle day. We took mom to the dispensary on Aurora, for the first time, as well as the “Purple store”, which we sh*t on later because of their lack of unique purple products, ha. We got beer flights at Pike place, took selfies, and bought apple chips from the local stand. As we were leaving the city, we got into the biggest fight. It had been so long since we’d yelled at each other like that. We said awful things to one another… I hate that memory of our fight, however I would give anything to fight with you again just to be able to hug you and say that I am sorry. I would give anything, absolutely anything, to spend another minute with you. People want so much in life… they say “Is it so much to ask…” for this or that, that seems so minimal, and for me, all I can think is “Is it so much to ask to have just one more minute of your time, just one?”  

Tragedy inevitably causes us to have a different outlook on life. It forces us to see the good, the better, to love harder, and not sweat the small stuff. It reminds us that we should be true and honest with those in our lives, by letting them know how we really feel about them. I’ve been told that I now have a new perspective on life, but that’s not true, it’s not new. I have thought this way, I’d just gotten lost by influence; why do we complain and whine about the slightest things, why do we think the worst of others first, and trash talk those we don’t know? We let frustrations of what we can’t control get the best of us.

Some days, I have acceptance. And more often, denial is what I face. I expect to hear from you on Sundays. I lie in bed in the morning and wonder when your text will come through. Asked you to come by and do laundry, and we could drink those two specialty beers sitting in my fridge… I’ve been talking to you more. The bad days have been frequent. It’s difficult to ask for what you need. It’s difficult for me to ask for what I need, and that’s just who I am. I let it build up and lash out on those I love the most. Those that I need the most. My brain is somehow telling me to push people away; irrational. I’ve been too busy soaking up the feelings of other’s, and that’s because I’m a sponge in the f*cking  Pacific.

I haven’t been sleeping well, my apartment is a mess, I’ve become a total flake, bailing on plans I make. I binge eat junk food. Sometimes I don’t eat at all. I drink early, I drink late. I’ve shut people out. I call out of work. I have been getting into bed earlier and earlier every single night. As soon as I wake up in the morning, my first thought is “I can’t wait to get off work and go home to crawl back into bed.” I’ve been mad at everyone for nothing they have done. There are trigger words that I’m irritably sensitive to, and those around me unknowingly say things that make me want to scream. Understand my desire for wanting to shut the world out, for this precise reason.

When I think about it too long, I drive myself mad, crying so hysterically until I make myself sick to my stomach. I didn’t know I was capable of this reaction. To panic, and cry until you can’t breathe, your chest aches up to your throat and all you feel like doing is throwing up.

I’ve desperately been searching for a balance. Forcing myself to do. My brain decides at the last minute whether the answer is yes or no. Whether to get up or shut down. Mentioning the future and holiday’s impulsively brings tears to my eyes. This is my life now, without you. This is my life now…

With what I can give,
c.