“Peoples grief is not rational, and not the same.” – S.C.
I remember that day… Mom was in town visiting, it was a gorgeous sunny Seattle day. We took mom to the dispensary on Aurora, for the first time, as well as the “Purple store”, which we sh*t on later because of their lack of unique purple products, ha. We got beer flights at Pike place, took selfies, and bought apple chips from the local stand. As we were leaving the city, we got into the biggest fight. It had been so long since we’d yelled at each other like that. We said awful things to one another… I hate that memory of our fight, however I would give anything to fight with you again just to be able to hug you and say that I am sorry. I would give anything, absolutely anything, to spend another minute with you. People want so much in life… they say “Is it so much to ask…” for this or that, that seems so minimal, and for me, all I can think is “Is it so much to ask to have just one more minute of your time, just one?”
Tragedy inevitably causes us to have a different outlook on life. It forces us to see the good, the better, to love harder, and not sweat the small stuff. It reminds us that we should be true and honest with those in our lives, by letting them know how we really feel about them. I’ve been told that I now have a new perspective on life, but that’s not true, it’s not new. I have thought this way, I’d just gotten lost by influence; why do we complain and whine about the slightest things, why do we think the worst of others first, and trash talk those we don’t know? We let frustrations of what we can’t control get the best of us.
Some days, I have acceptance. And more often, denial is what I face. I expect to hear from you on Sundays. I lie in bed in the morning and wonder when your text will come through. Asked you to come by and do laundry, and we could drink those two specialty beers sitting in my fridge… I’ve been talking to you more. The bad days have been frequent. It’s difficult to ask for what you need. It’s difficult for me to ask for what I need, and that’s just who I am. I let it build up and lash out on those I love the most. Those that I need the most. My brain is somehow telling me to push people away; irrational. I’ve been too busy soaking up the feelings of other’s, and that’s because I’m a sponge in the f*cking Pacific.
I haven’t been sleeping well, my apartment is a mess, I’ve become a total flake, bailing on plans I make. I binge eat junk food. Sometimes I don’t eat at all. I drink early, I drink late. I’ve shut people out. I call out of work. I have been getting into bed earlier and earlier every single night. As soon as I wake up in the morning, my first thought is “I can’t wait to get off work and go home to crawl back into bed.” I’ve been mad at everyone for nothing they have done. There are trigger words that I’m irritably sensitive to, and those around me unknowingly say things that make me want to scream. Understand my desire for wanting to shut the world out, for this precise reason.
When I think about it too long, I drive myself mad, crying so hysterically until I make myself sick to my stomach. I didn’t know I was capable of this reaction. To panic, and cry until you can’t breathe, your chest aches up to your throat and all you feel like doing is throwing up.
I’ve desperately been searching for a balance. Forcing myself to do. My brain decides at the last minute whether the answer is yes or no. Whether to get up or shut down. Mentioning the future and holiday’s impulsively brings tears to my eyes. This is my life now, without you. This is my life now…
With what I can give,
c.
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