We’ve been on this “need to see basis”. The last six months or so have been a little bit on the rocky side. Some moments sloppier than others, crying, emotions flying, absolute defeat involved. There have been good days, and bad. The desire to see one another though, that isn’t always there anymore.
Once upon a time, I fell so f*cking madly in love… I could feel passion burning through my god damn veins. Things were so opposite. When we went through a honeymoon phase, I remember the moments so clearly, my heart was exploding. I don’t recall ever feeling so full or happy. It was rare that we’d ever have a bad day. And lately, it’s become more rare that we have a good one.
There’s obviously a lot of factors. Our situation has changed so much. I take blame in so much of what we’ve become.. I’ve been distant, unwilling, down, lost, uninspired especially. When I was lost long ago, it was our connection that brought me back. I was lifted up. I’ve been neglectful. I’m not afraid to admit my faults here. I know that, “time” will never be an issue. I can take all of the time I need, whether it be five years, or ten. We’ll come back to one another, because we were made to be part of each other. I know that in the deepest part of myself. The love I’ve built, I can say will never leave. It’s engrained in me, it’s in my cells. It doesn’t matter the mess things become.
The thought of giving up has crossed my mind more than ever before. Giving it all up has been in question, yes I questioned us.. I’m at this floating point in my life where what we have is terrifying. I don’t believe “we” will lose one another, but I’m scared that I’m more in love with the idea of us. What if… all my dreams come true and I discover that, as tied to each other’s hearts as we’ve become, that I’m not good enough? What if you weren’t what I dreamt my future was supposed to be?
There are people who believe so whole heartedly in us. They all want us to succeed. As many times as I’ve talked poorly of the situations, our friends and family and fans are 150% by our side rooting for us. Does that mean anything!? No one will cease to ask about the love of my life… Of course people think we’re fantastic, because together we make wonder and beauty happen.
We are constantly tested, and that’s normal for ANY type of relationship. I ask that we rekindle. I ask that we no longer only spend time on an obligatory basis. I don’t want us to be a stressor in life anymore. I want the fireworks back.
yours truly,
c.
The Draft Blogger 