It didn’t make sense at first, the tangible objects we hold onto. In my head, all I could think was “do you REALLY need that?” As I spent the last few weeks attempting to cope, I found myself doing the same thing. This is when I realized that THIS is how we hold on. It’s the 4 metal collar tabs I keep on the coffee table. The two beers in the fridge that we bought so we could drink together, that I won’t let anyone else drink and that I won’t drink alone. It’s the keychains that you left behind and they sit in a pile on my bed, the guitar picks, letters, notebooks, pieces of paper, concert tickets, bracelet, earrings, watch, it’s so many little things that I actually have no use for.
I am learning, this is how we hold on. It doesn’t matter what the object is, it’s that it was yours. It’s that you touched it, kept it for some reason, and that’s the only way I can try to heal right now, is by holding on to what’s left of yours, regardless if it is important, or useless, or a f*cking paperclip.
I keep replaying the last few weeks in my head. The details. The moments. You. Sometimes, I believe in acceptance, and my heart hurts that you’re gone. And then there are moments that I absolutely cannot force my heart or brain to face reality. Every one keeps saying how you live within our hearts, and you live on in spirit, that we allow you to live on by sharing your memory… and all of that may be true, sure. I can share stories of you, I know you’re in my heart, because I’ll always think of you and wish you were here, but… you are gone.
There are very few things I kept of yours. Mostly small things I wanted to share with your friends. And other pieces are letters, mail, and writings that I have yet to go through. The truth is, I’m still searching for ways to hold onto you. Some old beer, Samsung headphones, jumper cables, skateboards.
Life is, at times unfair. I’ve known it, but I’ve never seen experienced it first hand in this way. Life is also beautiful, magnificent, loving, wonderful, warm, bright, and happy. But right now, I’m struggling to remember the “also.”
How can we love life so deeply, only to have it taken away so abruptly?
with a broken heart,
c.
The Draft Blogger 