Love is a losing game.

Love is a powerful force in the universe. Love is not enough. Love has the ability to set you free. 

We’re all dealt unknown hands in our lives. It’s how we approach and choose to play the game that get’s us through what we’re holding onto. I have already experienced the worst thing that could ever happen in my life. Loss. The death of a loved one. And going through that has proved that I can face anything. I can endeavor and survive absolutely anything that comes my way. I hold onto this, especially as I allow myself to become vulnerable.

I am constantly learning every single day. About life, about myself. Ignorance is truly bliss. Because even when you feel it in your fibers, and your gut knows something isn’t right, you’ll choose to ignore it just to feel that “high” you’re on. You choose to believe in the best, the good, the thing that brings you the most joy especially when you’ve experienced little of it. And then the bad thing happens, and you think “I knew better.” 

I’ve always been a lover, I’ve always believed in love. Even in the times where I doubted it. Wondered if the kind of love I dreamt of existed. I recently experienced something magical, something I held onto deeply, and it filled my heart like nothing before. And I did sense a moment where things changed, where I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I ignored it, because I wanted to feel this bliss and because I knew there was so much beauty in what I had.

I don’t believe in “loving someone enough to let them go.” I just don’t. I think that’s justification for a person, so they can feel better about it. So they can tell themselves that they “cared.” I don’t doubt the love and affection given to me, I saw and felt it through actions. I also don’t think someone is awful or selfish for choosing to let go of something they no longer want or feel for. I encourage it. We’re all deserving of love and what we want in life, and shouldn’t settle. But I do believe in loving someone enough to FIGHT for them until you’re left with no choice but to let go. And maybe that’s naive, but I’ll hold onto it. That is how I love. I wouldn’t change that, don’t think I could change it if I wanted to. I’ve never been much of a fighter, but I’ll fight for love, without a doubt or hesitation.

Love is a losing game. From the moment you’re born, to the day you die. From your first love as a teenager, your best friend from childhood that you lost touch with in your twenties, to a marriage that ends in divorce, and more, and so much more. Love exists indefinitely, and loss is at every corner. 

Love may not be the most powerful force in the universe. It may not be enough. I promise, love is worth it, and it does in fact, have the ability to set you free.

xo,
c.

Apologies.

The last four months of our lives have been unfair. We’ve experienced what dramatically feels like the absolute, most horrendous and unrealistic feeling in the entire universe. It may as well be equivalent to death. Families and friends have had their worlds attacked suddenly. Like we went to war with ourselves and inevitably lost. Individuals we loved so dearly were ripped from our hearts and our arms. They were stolen…

No one in their sanity would have willingly given them up. And yet the lives given and lived were so quickly lost to a simple unknown. Not knowing how much is too much. Not knowing what our body is actually consuming or intaking. Not knowing our right mind from the wrong one, and allowing temptation and addiction to overpower us. Not knowing the next hour our heart would flatline silently, and our brains departed from destination. Not knowing tomorrow, in reality would not arrive. Not knowing all of what would be our ‘lasts.’ The memorable unknown true impact they’d leave on us. 

For every person who doesn’t understand. For all the trigger words and language you all use. For the bastards who sell and distribute. For the jokes and the giant social gatherings that cause me undoubted anxiety before it even begins. For the damn sleep medicine I’ve learned to rely on. For being told what I need or what I should do. For attempting to let my guard down and ask for what I need. For being told how to act or treat others. For being a f*cking sponge! For ‘mothering’ and putting all my problems aside for everyone else. For doing what I think I need. For the “pretend” happiness and appearance of doing well. For all of the common “I’m sorry for your loss.” and the “Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.” And for the “They live on in your heart and memories.” For every frustrating, wise and cliche word muttered from your mouths. Thank you, truly, for now and in the future.

Because it is all of these little things that have made me realize I don’t have to be sorry for my behavior. I don’t have to be sorry for my decisions made irrationally, because irrational has boarded up, locked, and welded the door shut from rational ever making an appearance.

Sadly,
c.

Thankful.

It was the first Thanksgiving I’d ever spent on my own. The alone part isn’t what was phasing or a surprise. I’ve spent Holidays by myself before and I’m generally okay with doing things by myself and being alone. It was more that he wasn’t around this year… that was the tough part. Honestly, as the week before Thanksgiving approached, I felt myself in a downward. I was rather dreading the holiday coming up. The days before were even more difficult. I’ve been mentally drained. In a way I felt like I was doing alright, and getting a handle on things before I left the city for a week. And when I came back, somehow I had to relive it, or redo everything all over again. I couldn’t run away from my problems or facing the reality of my life. It’s like I had barely begun my grieving. There’s no good time for a person to grieve, but with the holiday’s around the corner, I can say it doesn’t make it easier.

The last time mom was visiting Seattle, Sunnie was so set on taking a trip to Deception pass. Sunnie knew beauty, and he felt happy and at peace in beautiful places, the beach/the water was one of them. I admit, I wish I had just agreed to go, now I wish I would have went with him to Deception. So on Thanksgiving, I took a tiny bit of his ashes I had and drove up there. It was pouring rain, and there were 4 accidents on my way. I kept wondering “Is this a sign that I shouldn’t be going up there?” With a gut feeling saying maybe it wasn’t a good idea. We talked in the car. I said “If this is your way of telling me not to go… well I’m going.” Because this was a coincidence in my eyes. There’s all this buzz about signs, spirits, and energy and I have to be real, I want to believe in that, but I don’t think, or know if I do. I chatted with you in the car, asking if you were around. Asking if you believed in it too. Telling you how I wanted to be thankful, but I was struggling to find thanks, because you weren’t here with me.

But I am thankful for having had you in my life and as my brother. I am thankful for my incredible friends, who I call family. The ones I consider my sisters, and brothers. The lovely ladies who approached me at your viewing and I instantly latched onto, you gave me new sisters. For my parents, who gave me everything. I am thankful for this unpredictably  beautiful, awful, crazy, fun, loving, wonderful, indescribable life I have. I have so much to be thankful for, but I am not only thankful for these people and things on this day. I am thankful every single day. It doesn’t take a federal holiday to remind me of that. 

Thanksgiving was a tough day for me this year. I was mildly more irresponsible than I normally am, and had a few “oh f*ck” moments where I panicked a bit inside, but I had a shot of gin with you on the shore. I wrote a very quick and short note, stuck it in the sand and we just talked for a bit. Told you how mad I am at you, but how much I love you and hope that you knew it. Told you how I wasn’t sure how to do this, how to live without you, how to grieve, how to move on, or even what to do with my life. My future, my anything, my everything. I’m confused, and I’m lost. You’ve left me alone, you left me to test relationships, and you’re pushing me in the worst way, and yes, I can acknowledge that there’s probably some lesson somewhere down the line… I just don’t believe in myself enough. It’s like, I’m waiting for the aching and the broken heart to somehow give something back, I’m thinking and begging and hoping that I can bargain. Because that’s a stage of grief, yeah? I’m bargaining. I’d GIVE anything.

The replays in my head, they keep me up. That’s the worst… memory everything. I’ve never wished to take back anything in my life, or change anything because I am who I am for all of those experiences, but that one. That ONE thing. You. The loss of you, that is the absolute one thing I’d change in my life. I’d trade, I’d give, I’d keep you a thousand times, no matter how that would change my life. I’d change it in a heartbeat, I’d give, and I’d give, and I’d keep giving, for anything more with you.

You can’t possibly understand how devastated I still am. How shocked my soul is, how absolutely torn apart I am, in every single way… I feel more alone right now, in this moment, than I have ever felt before… and who’s there?

I miss your smile, and contagious laugh.

Missing you more than words,
c.

I won’t let go.

It didn’t make sense at first, the tangible objects we hold onto. In my head, all I could think was “do you REALLY need that?” As I spent the last few weeks attempting to cope, I found myself doing the same thing. This is when I realized that THIS is how we hold on. It’s the 4 metal collar tabs I keep on the coffee table. The two beers in the fridge that we bought so we could drink together, that I won’t let anyone else drink and that I won’t drink alone. It’s the keychains that you left behind and they sit in a pile on my bed, the guitar picks, letters, notebooks, pieces of paper, concert tickets, bracelet, earrings, watch, it’s so many little things that I actually have no use for.

I am learning, this is how we hold on. It doesn’t matter what the object is, it’s that it was yours. It’s that you touched it, kept it for some reason, and that’s the only way I can try to heal right now, is by holding on to what’s left of yours, regardless if it is important, or useless, or a f*cking paperclip.

I keep replaying the last few weeks in my head. The details. The moments. You. Sometimes, I believe in acceptance, and my heart hurts that you’re gone. And then there are moments that I absolutely cannot force my heart or brain to face reality. Every one keeps saying how you live within our hearts, and you live on in spirit, that we allow you to live on by sharing your memory… and all of that may be true, sure. I can share stories of you, I know you’re in my heart, because I’ll always think of you and wish you were here, but… you are gone.

There are very few things I kept of yours. Mostly small things I wanted to share with your friends. And other pieces are letters, mail, and writings that I have yet to go through. The truth is, I’m still searching for ways to hold onto you. Some old beer, Samsung headphones, jumper cables, skateboards.

Life is, at times unfair. I’ve known it, but I’ve never seen experienced it first hand in this way. Life is also beautiful, magnificent, loving, wonderful, warm, bright, and happy. But right now, I’m struggling to remember the “also.”

How can we love life so deeply, only to have it taken away so abruptly?

with a broken heart,
c.

Life in metaphors.

The only way for me to keep sanity is to compare life to everything that’s in front of me. It’s easily an absolute appropriate representation.

On this day, the unclear vision was the clearest of metaphors.

I believe in the beauty of life. Despite the challenges, and frankly all the f*cked up crazy sh*t that happens in it. Sometimes, usually often, listening to others gives me perspective. Not more of the optimistic kind, but one that reminds me of how much I adore living. I don’t find that inspiration is difficult, I’m inspired almost every single day. Acting on inspiration is the challenge. Actions are the challenge. Now… there’s a lot that we just know in our lives, a lot that we’ve learned, and having the knowledge is one thing, but using it, is again, the challenge. At times, it’s denial, laziness, the loss of the will or belief. There are so many variables and it’s different for each life. The simplicity is that it’s just life. We should constantly want to be surrounded by those who know how to embrace life.

I’ve never quite understood why people believe that we don’t have options, that we can’t change something, or that we’re always going to be stuck exactly where we are. You have all the will and all the power to do exactly what you want to do. Be who you want to be. Love who you want to love. Do whatever the hell you want! If  you want to tell yourself that you “can’t”, just make sure to keep it to yourself. You want to live in another country, go for it. You want to travel the world, raise your hand.

The confusion is that people think that things won’t “just happen”– because no one is going to hand it to them on an antique, gorgeous f*cking platter. We have to work. You build a plan, you save, you do what you need to do to get to where you really want to be. This is your life, it is life. I don’t ever want to look back and think of the years I wasted. In the last couple years, I can already look back thinking of how I CHOSE to experience, adventure, make mistakes, laugh, drink, play, learn, do exactly what I wanted, and live.

I’ve heard countless metaphors for the ups and downs. And I still see and hear them every time I hit a block. A “funk” as I like to refer to it.

I looked out a window today, staring over the water at beautiful West Seattle, my home. Thinking, how I get tired, so often, of carrying myself through life. There is text, and rain, and clouds, and construction, blocking my view. All I could do was shrug, because those were my metaphors for the day. This was my life in front of my eyes. The vision wasn’t entirely clear, there were just things in the way.

The shrug was because I knew that I still knew how to embrace the metaphors of life.

yours truly,
c.