I haven’t really spoken publicly yet about my feelings regarding the recent and sudden passing of my brother. I’m fully aware I’ve been silent and distant. I’ve spent this last week with variations of words that I’ve wanted to post. It’s been tough figuring out which parts I wanted to share, so here goes…
On Friday August 19th, 2016 — I received the worst phone call/news that I had ever gotten in my life. Nothing can describe the disbelief and the absolute heartbreak I experienced. My brother had passed away on August 17th, 2016.
The next 24 hours after that phone call were clear, but numbing. Words the man spoke rang in my ear all night. I cried so much, for so long. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t process. I had no idea what to do. I’ve never experienced a loss like this. I had to tell my parents that night, and it was heart mangling. And even, after the most difficult and longest week of my life, I still am confused, I still do not understand, and I still have no idea what to do or how to feel.
Everyone keeps asking how it happened/what happened to him. Thing is… it doesn’t matter how, the fact is he is gone too soon. My friend, my brother. No 26 year old woman should ever have to be choosing a casket for her 31 year old brother. That should not be a thing.
I had gotten a total of 3 hours of sleep during that first 24 hours after finding out. I wanted to speak to no one, I didn’t want people reaching out, I didn’t want to be touched, or hugged, frankly it was pissing me off. Yes, I know people meant well and many just didn’t know what to do for me either, but dammit I was mad… I was irritated and frustrated by things that didn’t even matter. I wanted to curl up and be alone, absolutely alone.
I didn’t know what I was doing, just that it needed to be done (funeral arrangements). I didn’t know that I needed it, but my best friend from Philly flew out to Seattle on Sunday night. Thinking about that last week, I wouldn’t have been able to do everything without her. She fielded texts, messages, and phone calls when I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and when I was completely overwhelmed. When I wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for days, she got me out of the apartment. She helped me plan every thing, and put together all of the viewing, and obituary for the Argus Observer and for Emmick Family. Things that I would have never done or thought of myself. I witnessed a strength in her that week that I don’t even think she knew she had. I owe it all to you, Rache.
Every friend, family, co-worker, and person involved has been supportive and kind. The woman from the Flower Lab was so sweet, and the arrangements were perfect. The funeral director from Emmick took care of everything kindly, and gently. There are not enough words or thanks to express my gratitude to everyone. I really am very lucky to have such wonderful friends and support system. Thank you so much to my best friend for flying here and getting me out of bed. For keeping me sane, and being my shoulder and my person. I truly could not have gotten through the hardest week of my life without you. Thank you so much to my close friends who have made me food, and offered to help in any way possible. For your sweet thoughts. Thank you to Sunnie’s friends for your kind words and memories shared, for the photos and the love. Thank you to everyone that has reached out to me via Facebook messenger, text, call, or any other way. If I hadn’t responded, know how thankful I am. It has been healing to see and read his Facebook wall. Thank you to my family from Portland, despite the history, family is family, and every one was so supportive, and willing to help. Seeing and spending that short time with you meant more than I can say. Thank you to each and every one of you who showed up to Sunnie’s viewing, from all across the country and to those who wanted to be there. Thank you from the entirety of mine and the Tam’s hearts.
I like to believe I am a very self aware individual. I know that these things happen and no one could have predicted this. I know that this is life, that I can’t regret not saying goodbye to him the last Sunday I saw him. I can’t regret that I didn’t respond to his text on Monday asking me to save his metal collar tabs… I need to remember and embrace the memories we had, the fact that I got to see him almost every other Sunday, despite always feeling annoyed even when he wasn’t being annoying. I haven’t grasped this all quite yet, and I don’t really know when I will. Everyone grieves in their own way, yes. I’ve heard it. But also, this is NOT okay. I am not okay. I can’t have him back, but I need him. Going about my life like things are normal is what makes this all feel so surreal.
I knew that he wasn’t going to answer me as I sat next to his funeral bed, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying just yet. As unrealistic as that is, in my heart I need to keep talking to him, because right now I’m too numb to the fact that I’m never going to get to hear his laugh, going to argue with him or be able to grab a bite in the city. Life is not fair. He should be here, he was loved, he was a wonderful friend & brother. Sunnie was happy and bright, he was funny, loving, and the life of any party. He was so f*cking smart, he deserved more time, and I needed it.
Sunnie was a brother to so many, that’s all I’ve heard is “he was like my brother” and I know because he IS my brother… he is MY brother who should be here, continuing to give me his advice and wisdom, and to make me laugh at the dumbest sh*t.
I love you, ‘brotheryn’. My heart is a f*cking mess knowing that I don’t get to make anymore new memories with you. It’s a mess knowing that you’re gone.
Love,
‘sisteryn’
The Draft Blogger 