“How cruel for someone to enter your life to awaken you for love and then gradually knocks you out with demonstrations of indifference and detachment.” – unknown
See, someone had woken me for love, over this past eight months. But it was his demonstrations of distance, silence, and unknown that knocked me out. While he may not have forced me to feel the ways I did, his actions created insecurities in me, from past relationships. This is a flaw, that I recognize, and I have owned my mistakes. In a reaction, I have said awful things that I may not have meant, but felt.
Here’s the thing though. I am still, and have not changed from being kind, sweet, thoughtful, caring, deep, passionate, weird, open, and with so much love in my heart to give. I never lied or cheated, and I was still authentically and genuinely myself. I know who I am, and I desired time, and care.
Sometimes, what hurts the most is not being given a REAL chance… a shot at something. Especially when you knew that there was something really special and pure, that it could have been really good. Knowing you’re damaged goods, from past experiences, they hold you back and make you act irrationally because it’s just how people can be… it’s how I can be.
All that being said, I was vulnerable, and in need of a person who I thought cared about me. I didn’t deserve to be gaslit, led on, ignored, or abandoned.
There was a perfectly gorgeous storm brewing overhead this last couple weeks. There’s a list that has no business being listed anymore, it’s lost importance. But this storm tore me apart, mentally and physically, in the worst of ways. I wasn’t myself. I felt out of control, I couldn’t grasp onto anything.
Time and time again, I’ve heard these really beautiful sentences and words put together, but he never listened to me. And he would constantly tell me what I wanted to hear and never follow through or show up. What kind of person does that?
When you begin to heal, and you aren’t ill anymore, your body and mind balances out. We find and see clarity in things, and it helps us make the right choices. Mine was letting go of an ugly pattern that just made me feel worn down.
With love,
C.
The Draft Blogger 